Is there ever a right time?

This was a question that my son recently asked me. Some people think it is better to have kids when you are young so you have the energy, or so that you can enjoy your older years, or so you can be young enough to be able to enjoy to watch your grandchildren grow up. Others, feel that it is better to have children when you are older and established. This way you won’t have to struggle financially and can provide for a family with less stress. Some even feel that it is cruel to bring a child into this world because of the condition our world is in currently. I haven’t even brought religion, marriage, sexual orientation, or race into this topic, but everyone has their own opinion on this subject.

So, how do I go about answering this question for my son. Ultimately, it is up to the person when they want to have kids, if they feel ready; or if it is unexpected, what they should do. Still this is not the answer my son is looking for. I know he is asking me for a reason. I was 19 when I had him and he is now 19. Was I ready at 19 to have a child? Surely not! But I would never trade my life with my son for anything. Many believe that we are suppose to teach our children and instill values into them. I believe that children are the ones that teach us.

Photo by Josh Willink 

My answer to my son was this: It is not about how old you are; if your married, financially stable, or if you are necessarily ready. If you have a child unexpectedly, then you do the best that you can do; try every day to better yourself as a person, allowing your child to grow up as healthy as possible. However, ideally the best time to have a child is after you realize your own traumas and heal them. Break the generational traumas, and your individual traumas so you don’t place your fears, insecurities, and poor cooping mechanisms onto them.

I did not realize that I had so many issues when raising my kids. I was 37 when my childhood wounds started to arise. I know that I was traumatized a lot as a child, but I tried my hardest to be different than my parents were; it was the best I could do at the time. I know now that doing things differently than my parents was not enough. My children were still exposed to my early childhood wounds and because of this my children were afraid of me. They did not know what mood I would be in and it left them feeling uncertain and harmed their self-esteem and created anxiety for them. As I heal, I try to explain to my children why I would respond certain ways and how they were not healthy and it was never their fault. I can tell them this a million times, but that will not heal them. I hope will my own healing, my children may be able to heal themselves a lot sooner than I did.


There is a song by Kelly Clarkson that hits me to the core every time I hear it. It’s called: “Because of You”

I will not make
The same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break
The way you did, you fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that farBecause of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraidI lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my li
fe
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start withBecause of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraidI watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep

I was so young
You should have known
Better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thingBecause of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life
Because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraidBecause of you
Because of you

I encourage you to check out her official video on YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ra-Om7UMSJc

Source: LyricFind Songwriters: Kelly Brianne Clarkson / Ben Moody / David Hall HodgesBecause of you lyrics © Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd., Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Reservoir Media Management Inc

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s